“Home is where the heart is.” Let me introduce you to my home. My home holds a thin, almost imperceptible layer of feces and urine on every surface. We are equal opportunities, where no surface gets left behind and we have an unlimited supply. Embedded in the carpet and smeared on walls, I have experienced the desperate horror. I have kids.
No matter how meticulous your preparation, at some point a diaper changing or potty training experience will cruelly and grotesquely fail you. THERE WILL BE ??? and it is getting on all of your stuff.
Ideally, I would gear up in a Walter White style hazmat suit along with respirator and chemical resistant gloves to attack the situation. In reality, I have embraced the inevitability of this existence and invested in some stain removal and disinfectant spray. Whether your fantasy team is neck deep in the cesspool of chaos (think my home), or has avoided the radioactive wasteland, let the RotoUnderworld Team wash you with a cleansing, fecal free list of 10 players to add across all fantasy football formats. Note: The following waiver targets were selected from a group of players owned in less than 50-percent of MFL redraft leagues.
Kenny Britt, WR, St. Louis Rams
The athletic profile: 102.2 Height Adjusted Speed Score (74th-percentile) ✅
The history of college production: 36.1-percent College Dominator (69th-percentile) ✅
The precocious talent: 19.0 Breakout Age (91st-percentile) ✅
Kenny Britt displays the underlying skills to produce for fantasy owners, and way back in 2010 he showed it, posting a 775 yard, 9 touchdown campaign. Despite the potential, Britt has been a tease to fantasy owners for years. Britt has suffered through injury, poor quarterback play and an unimaginative, sandbagging dinosaur, Jeff Fisher. Despite Britt not having relevance in most fantasy circles in recent years, fantasy owners need to take notice as he is currently on a WR16 pace.
The efficiency pace should come back to earth in coming weeks as Britt currently sports a +39.8 Production Premium (No. 5). Britt can still produce despite the Rams 32.8 Team Pass Plays Per Game (No. 29) and the promising +.59 Upcoming Schedule (11th) should maintain Britt as a WR3. Contrasting a recent, unfortunate “up-the backer” diaper I presided over, Britt has the good kind of explosiveness you want on your fantasy team.
Adam Thielen, WR, Minnesota Vikings
Looking for a fill in with Stefon Diggs still unable to practice? Well, urine luck (sic). In the most recent game against Houston, Adam Thielen received a 26.7-percent Target Share. In addition, Minnesota’s future opponents allow the most fantasy points above the mean to wide receivers.
All signs point to Thielen’s ability to provide efficient production in the wake of Diggs’ injury. Thielen has produced 208 Air Yards on just 25 targets, allowing him to plop down an impressive +25.8 Production Premium (No. 8). It seems obvious, but players that produce in college tend to produce in the NFL. This lines up with the most impressive part of Thielen’s resume, a 45.9% College Dominator (90th-percentile).
Breshad Perriman, WR, Baltimore Ravens
With Steve Smith dabbling in some “ice up son” time on the sidelines, Joe Flacco looks prepared to sling it to Breshad Perriman. Against the Giants in Week 6, Perriman received 8 targets. As the targets were mostly close to the line of scrimmage, Janoris Jenkins had Perriman covered like a Pee Pee Teepee in the middle of a diaper change. As he develops with Flacco, down the field opportunities should open up to better use Perriman’s size and speed.
Cornerbacks and hairlines alike, they all must recede in the presence of Lord Perriman and his 125.7 Height Adjusted Speed Score (99th-percentile). Consider him a late season waiver flower, beginning to bloom early.
Waiver Priority Ranks
Living on a low volume pass offense, Kendall Wright would not normally find himself on this waiver list, except that in Week 6 Wright received a 37.5-percent Target Share. Slow to get involved after missing the first three weeks with an injury, Wright recorded the second highest yardage total of his career in Week 6 and that should get your attention. C.J. Spiller and Jacquizz Rodgers provide usable standalone passing game value and if perchance an injury occurs up the depth chart, they are in line for a value spike.
With LeSean McCoy majestically racking up fantasy points, Mike Gillislee has drifted even further into the background. McCoy came away unscathed from a scary looking knee tweak in Week 6. No one is wishing for an injury, but they do happen and as McCoy’s touches pile up, Gillislee has injury contingent potential.
Below is the order I would claim players in a vacuum not taking into account individual team needs.
- Kenny Britt
- Jacquizz Rodgers
- Dion Lewis
- Kendall Wright
- Dwayne Washington
- Adam Thielen
- Breshad Perriman
- Kenneth Farrow
- Chris Conley
- Mike Gillislee